Healthy Communication: Skills, Barriers, and Breakthroughs
“Debate and discussion is the ripe soil that wisdom and truth is cultivated.” Justin Gates
Today I want to address the important topic of healthy communication. More and more people are finding it difficult to have hard conversations. The more we avoid them, the harder they become. Like a growing insecurity, we lose ourselves in echo chambers, afraid to challenge our opinions and beliefs, and we become more attached to our perspective than to the truth.
We’re going to dive into what healthy communication is, the barriers to cultivating it, and the skills and strategies to grow the mental and emotional muscles needed for effective conversations that create change.
The Three Pillars of Healthy Communication
Respect
This is vital when approaching hard conversations, even with those who don’t share your values or beliefs. We must act with kindness and integrity, even when there’s disagreement.
Clarity and Honesty
This pillar is about saying what you mean and meaning what you say. It’s a call not to sugarcoat or hide behind vague words, but instead to express yourself and your opinions freely.
Active Listening
We must learn not to constantly plan what we’re going to say next. Instead, we need to pause and listen, allowing ourselves to truly hear what the other person is saying. The goal is to understand their perspective, not just respond.
Barriers to Healthy Communication
One of the biggest struggles I see is assumption-making and the expectation that our peers are mind readers. We need to give honest and concise feedback. If someone is doing something we don’t like, there’s a good chance they don’t even realize it. The same goes for expecting others to know our needs—including our spouses.
We’re constantly changing and evolving, and as we change, so do our needs. I get that telling someone what we want may seem less romantic or like the magic is gone, but when we learn to do this, it creates space not only for our needs to be met but also for the people in our lives to show up in the way we need them to.
Poor emotional regulation is another big one. When hard conversations arise, they can and will trigger our nervous system. The more we learn to feel this come up in our bodies, identify it, and regulate it, the more we can operate from a place of logic and reason. When we give ourselves time to pause and compose ourselves, we can have conversations that hold depth and truth instead of becoming a blame game or shouting match.
Avoidance or shutting down is another common barrier. This was my go-to response. I would shove my needs and feelings down, smile, and nod through conversations I didn’t agree with. I would always tell myself, “It’s easier to manage myself than the other person,” and would avoid hard conversations altogether. Even now, years into this journey, I am still learning this art.
Key Skills for Healthy Communication
Active Listening Techniques
One practice I’ve adopted in heated conversations is repeating back what I interpreted the other person as saying and asking for clarification if I misunderstood. This helps us reflect on what the other person is saying, gives us space to create an effective response, and allows for clarifying questions. When both parties do this, it leads to something magical: the mindset shifts from debating viewpoints to discussing solutions.
Body Language Awareness
Be mindful of how your body is expressing your feelings. Are your arms crossed? Are you making eye contact? What message does your posture convey? A study by Albert Mehrabian states that communication is 38% tone of voice, 55% body language, and only 7% the actual words! Source
Setting Boundaries
Healthy communication means saying “no” without guilt and not being afraid to stop a conversation once it escalates into a battle of wills. It’s being able to tell others that if they try to turn a conversation from diplomacy to dictatorship, you won’t continue.
Listening to Your Body
When our heart rate goes over 95, we’ve already checked out of the conversation. It’s not shameful to admit when a break is needed and to take time to compose ourselves.
Practical Strategies to Improve Communication
Use “I” statements to remove blame and keep conversations constructive. Instead of saying, “You always do ___,” say, “I feel ___ when you do ___.”
Take pauses between responses to reflect on what was said and to express yourself more thoughtfully.
Check in with the other person during hard conversations: “How are you doing?” “Do you need a break?” “How can I help you feel heard and valued?”
Closing Thoughts
Healthy communication isn’t just for friends, family, and loved ones—it’s something that benefits every area of our lives. Use discernment before engaging, and don’t be afraid to be messy at first. It takes time and practice, but it is one of the most important skills you’ll ever learn.
So give yourself grace and compassion as you navigate these waters. You’ve got this, and I believe in you.
With love and gratitude,
Michael Perry
Ad Lucem
