Love VS Attachment

Attachment is a word that gets thrown around a lot these days, but what does it mean? Why do we always seem to attract the same dynamics, struggles, and type of partners into our life? Spoiler alert, it's not bad luck, and it's not because no one understands you. It is in fact because you don’t understand yourself. Attachment is the key to the perspective you need to stop attracting toxicity into your life, and move toward abundance and reciprocity. In this article I am going to cover not just attachment styles, but the two major types of love, and how you can begin to foster a secure and healthy relationship, whether you are in a relationship currently, or getting back into dating.

Attachment Theory

Psychologist John Bowlby coined the term attachment theory. He saw it as an effective way to explain how we as people are biologically wired to seek close emotional bonds, because they help us feel safe and supported. In childhood, the type of care we receive — whether nurturing, unpredictable, or neglectful, shapes how we view ourselves and others. These early bonds become “internal working models” that create our perception of reality and our place in it. They become blueprints of how we navigate things such as trust, intimacy, and connection. However, these patterns and beliefs are not set in stone. With awareness and healthy relationships, we can cultivate a more secure and fulfilling way of showing up in the world not just for our relationships but for ourselves.

Unconditional Love and Attachment

This is where I am going to diverge from the average article on attachment theory. Most attachment articles touch on attachment styles and trauma responses without going into the difference between love and attachment. There are two types of love that exist: passionate love and companionate love. I believe it is in this concept that we can find the difference between unconditional love and attachment. I havent seen this difference discussed much in healing comminities, but they are essential in understanding our relationships and what motivates them. 

Passionate Love 

Passionate love is often the end of this spectrum, where toxic relationships are found. This is not to say a healthy amount of passion in a relationship isn’t necessary in a relationship. Passionate love is rooted in an intense, emotional, often all-consuming form of love, often marked by physical attraction, a desire for closeness, and infatuation. Some key identifiers are strong sexual chemistry, high emotional ups and downs, obsessive thinking and longing when apart, and sometimes an over-idealization of a partner. There are benefits to this kind of love: it can create a strong initial bond and loads of excitement. It can foster a genuine, close, and strong relationship when supported by trust and compatibility!

The issue with passionate love lies within our nervous system and the hormones released. Have you ever found yourself deeply drawn to someone who you knew was not good for you? Often in passionate love, we stop looking at red flags and allow ourselves to be drawn in by the intense excitement of our attraction. When we are intimate with someone, we can have a release of oxytocin (the love hormone), dopamine (the feel-good chemical), endorphins (mood boosting and pain relieving) (The Science of Love, Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD). Our brains are hard-wired to chase what feels good, even if we know something or someone is not good for us. This initial attraction is then fueling our drive to get our needs met and to seek conection. The issue again is being able to look at things with a long-term perspective. We need attraction, we need intimacy, we need connection in relationships. Passion can help people grow. It can help us strive to be better and to reach for our dreams. However, we must make sure that passion isn’t the only thing a relationship is built on.

Companionate Love

Companionate love is not as exciting as its counterpart. This form of love brings with it consistency, trust and mutual reciprocation that creates a place of safety. We don’t have the crazy amounts of hormones released by passionate love (primarily due to it not being so up and down and hot and cold). Many people avoid these kinds of relationships, not because they don’t want these things, but because their nervous system feels safe and secure in these dynamics, which our minds often translate as boring or not exciting. We want the rush of chemistry and excitement, but the same hormones released when skydiving or being hunted by a predator are the exact same hormones released in excitement and arousal (adrenaline, norepinephrine, and cortisol) (Exploring Love Addiction in Toxic Relationships, Barlia Alana)

Companionate love is the best kind of love due to it being consistent and safe. We can be vulnerable and express ourselves freely. We are not constantly chasing the approval we never got as kids or trying to prove our worth. It is a call to be human and to have a true partnership. A partnership where you sustain each other, share equally in the relationship, and support each other's dreams. It is a true two-person team full of love, acceptance and commitment.

Attachment Styles

Attachment styles are an important thing to learn about because they effectively map out the ways we have been conditioned to show up in relationships. If we evaluate these different styles, we can figure out where we may have blinders up in relationships – with others and with ourselves. The four major types of attachment are anxious, avoidant, disorganized, and secure. 

Anxious Attachment

Anxious attachment was my main operating system in dating. Anxious individuals often have operated primarily from two core fears: I am afraid that I am not enough, and I might be abandoned. This can be very overwhelming for those who do not have enough self-awareness to notice when they’re triggered, and their nervous system is running the show. In deep anxious attachment there is a constant craving for closeness and reassurance. There is also a hypersensitivity to perceived distance or rejection. Lastly, they often overthink and are constantly looking for proof of being loved, appreciated, and valued in a relationship. The general theme of anxious attachment is that they will become clingy or over-accommodating. They will tolerate unhealthy dynamics out of fear of being abandoned. They also have a tendency to chase the high of emotional relationships with extreme ups and downs.

Avoidant Attachment

Individuals with an avoidant attachment style are the opposite of those with an anxious style. The avoidant individual craves independence over vulnerability. They struggle with expressing and even identifying their emotions. They also dislike the feeling of being smothered. In relationships, they have a level of emotional distance, even in close, long-term relationships. They also have a tendency to be highly attracted to unavailable partners or situations. People with an avoidant attachment style have a deeply ingrained fear of losing themselves to a relationship and will often prioritize leaving a relationship over allowing themselves to go all in when things get hard.

Disorganized Attachment (Fearful-Avoidant)

Disorganized attachment is a mix of both anxious and avoidant styles. I know I said anxious attachment is the one I identify with most, but in truth, I have a fearful-avoidant style. Allow me to explain. This type of attachment usually swings like a pendulum between the anxious and avoidant, often favoring one side over the other. I think most people fall into this category. There are push-pull dynamics that create a lot of drama with a person who craves intimacy but also has a deep-seated fear of being hurt. Their past is usually full of trauma, loss, and inconsistent caregiving. Many times, these people will sabotage relationships just because of their fear of rejection. They also oscillate between the two attachment types — one minute craving intimacy and reassurance, and the next, shifting to cold and detached behavior. Their greatest difficulty lies in expressing needs and standing up to poor behavior. 

Secure Attachment

Secure attachment is the goal; it is the ideal place from which to approach relationships. One thing I would like to note is even if we are secure, we can fall into the other categories if we are not mindful of ourselves and our relationships. People with secure attachment have a balance of closeness as well as independence; they can communicate honestly and openly about their needs, concerns, and opinions; and they can rely on others without fear of being let down. They have a balance of passion and companionship in their relations, they handle conflicts with respect and repair, and lastly they support their partners’ growth and independence. Secure individuals can help people with attachment issues navigate healthy relationships and can help hold space as they work through their insecurities and struggles, but it is important that there is a drive for growth and healing in these dynamics.

Food For Thought

Narcissism 

We hear the term narcissism thrown around everywhere, but I don’t think there are nearly as many narcissists as people claim. With that said, let’s understand that narcissistic traits are everywhere. Narcissism gets a bad and misunderstood reputation, and we need to understand that it resides on a scale. Narcissism is part of who we are and is a big part of self-preservation. There are also extremes, not just of narcissism but of the opposite, codependency. If we have too much narcissism, we are self-absorbed and disregard others and their needs completely. On the other side ,we have no sense of self-worth and self-abandonment to get our needs met.

The Partners We Pick

This may sound crazy but when it comes to attachment, we are constantly drawn to the same types of individuals. A lot of this has to do with how the unconscious mind works within attachment theory. Why are those who are high in narcissism drawn to those who are codependent? Or better yet why are those who are codependent drawn to more narcissistic types of individuals? It is about balance; we are instantly attracted to those who are the opposite in temperament. Those who will do anything they can for those they love, are unconsciously drawn to the ones who value themselves and have that “confidence.” Similarly, the ones who are higher on the narcissism spectrum are drawn to the ones who take care of others and are understanding. You see different forms of this in attachment theory, one of which is the dance of the anxious-avoidant relationships. The anxious individual is attracted to the independence and reserved nature of the avoidant individual. While the avoidant person is drawn to the curiosity and emotional expression of the anxious one. It truly is the ultimate push-pull dynamic once things get serious between these two, one chasing while the other pulls away.

A Spiritual Perspective

I believe that the reason we are drawn into these dynamics is our soul’s desire to heal things that occurred in our pasts, especially in childhood. I have seen it time and time again that our life paths are riddled with the same lessons, and the more we avoid the lessons, the more extreme these situations and experiences become. It starts as a knock on the door, then a pounding, then life kicks the door in and if you still don’t want to listen, it calls forth a tornado. We at our cores operate from unconscious agreements we have made with ourselves to avoid having our core wounds activated (rejection, abandonment, not being enough, or even being too much). The agreements we made around this create not just the lenses through which we see the world, but also how we show up in it. It is an unconscious dance that helps layers of domestication and denial. To help form masks that help us wear personas in the world so that we are not seen for who we truly are. The problem with these masks is they keep us blind to our own motives and, in turn, our own weaknesses. Our attachment systems, especially around the nervous system, will always chase relationships that will echo the past. We will relive the same problems in hopes that we will approach them differently, and in turn either save the person or just maybe save ourselves. It is a call to not just heal the wounds inside, but to become whole again, to relearn our worth and self-respect.

It Starts With You

If these messages touch a chord within you, maybe it's time to stop and reflect. To look deeper within yourself and look at what unconscious motives guide your relationships. Do you chase excitement and chemistry? Do you avoid relationships that feel boring? Do you always wind up in relationships where you're trying to save someone? These are all things to evaluate to look at what drives you on a level you may not normally consider. I spent my life as a hero, always looking for the damsel in distress I could save. I would slowly abandon anything and everything in my life to help someone overcome their struggles and rise to the occasion. I realized that this was how I learned to get my needs met and feel loved. That validation always came at the cost of myself. Now I realize I have to give myself these things so I can show up in a relationship and have not just my partner's best interests at mind, but my own. This helped conquer my fear of rejection and abandonment and express myself freely. To show up authentically in my relationship, no matter what that looked like on any given day. To be loved for me and not what I had to offer.

My Work

My work as a life coach is centered around helping people break the habit of being themselves. To start getting in touch with their authentic selves and build relationships that will help my clients grow and prosper. My main area of study is around attachment and relationship trauma. I help my clients slowly peel back the mask and to take a deep look at who they truly are and what they want. To help them develop the skills to express themselves and cultivate a life of fulfillment and meaning. If this article resonates with you, please reach out. I offer free consultations to see if I can help you on your journey. Let’s see if we can start diving into the shadows of yourself and discover the light that hides underneath.

With love and gratitude

Michael Perry