Unmasking Toxic Shame
The beliefs about who we are often come from wounds we cannot see. To heal, we have to unmask the voice that hides behind many other guises, such as anger, perfectionism, isolation, pride, anxiety, people-pleasing, and numbing out. So what is this mask hidden underneath our personas? Toxic shame, one of the most understated topics in the healing space.
Toxic shame is like a parasite that wiggles into our brain and constantly whispers: “You are not good enough.” It takes your spirit and tries to convince you that you’re flawed and broken, that you’re too much and not trying hard enough.
What Is Toxic Shame
This is not to say shame itself is bad. Shame is an important emotion; it tells us when we’ve crossed a boundary or acted out of alignment with our values.
Toxic shame, however, usually comes from unprocessed shame. When shame arises in us, especially when we’re young, we don’t know how to let the emotion move through us, teach us, and release it. Instead, we internalize the message as:
“I am flawed, bad, or wrong.”
We let shame convince us this is who we are, instead of seeing that we simply made a mistake. Over time, these compounds, the more shame we experience, the more it stacks, slowly giving us a blueprint that makes us find ways to compensate for our “inadequacies.”
We judge ourselves and our choices, and in turn, we project that judgment onto others, convincing ourselves that everyone sees us the same way we see ourselves.
A Simple Example
We’ve all run into this: you compliment someone, telling them they look good. Most people smile and say “thank you.” But someone deep in toxic shame might instead feel attacked; they interpret the compliment as sarcasm or condescension.
This isn’t really about the compliment itself, but about how toxic shame projects our internal beliefs outward. It shapes the lens we see the world through.
Perception Creates Reality
One of my favorite teachings is this: “Perception creates reality.”
Inside our brain is something called the Reticular Activating System (RAS). Its job is to look for things that match our internal blueprint. Have you ever bought a new car and suddenly started seeing it everywhere? That’s your RAS at work.
When we operate from toxic shame, our RAS filters the world through that lens. The inner critic tells us stories like:
“I can’t do this.”
“I’m not good enough.”
“I’ll never succeed.”
And the brain goes to work proving those stories are true. Over time, these beliefs engrain themselves into our nervous system, sending us into survival mode whenever something triggers our shame. We shrink, we avoid, we overcompensate, and ultimately, we hand control of our lives over to our shame.
One of the best books I’ve ever read on this is Healing the Shame That Binds You by John Bradshaw. He says it perfectly:
“Toxically shamed people tend to become more and more stagnant as life goes on. They live in a guarded, secretive, and defensive way. They try to be more than human (perfect and controlling) or less than human (losing interest in life or stagnating in addictive behavior).”
How Shame Hides Behind the Masks
Toxic shame often disguises itself as other emotions, rushing to the surface whenever shame gets activated:
Anger → helps us avoid feeling “less than”
Anxiety → rooted in the fear of “being found out” or rejected
Perfectionism → our way of “earning worthiness”
Envy → shame’s way of using others as a goalpost for self-worth
Depression → the heaviness we feel when we believe the stories about being unlovable or broken
Shame is rampant in society today, and most people operate from it without realizing it. I know, because I used to be one of them, until I opened my eyes to the truth: shame was driving my life and making me miserable.
Where Toxic Shame Comes From
Many of the beliefs that lead to toxic shame are formed in childhood:
“I am too much” or “I am not enough.”
“Love has to be earned.”
“My needs don’t matter.”
Over time, these turn into unhealthy patterns:
Insecure attachment styles
Self-sabotage and procrastination
Avoidance of vulnerability and intimacy
Toxic shame also develops through trauma and conditioning:
Toxic relationships, betrayal, neglect, abandonment, rejection, and abuse
Social and cultural pressures to be “perfect” or “good enough”
Family and religious systems that define worthiness and morality in limiting ways
The danger here is subtle: the more we blend in to please others, the more we fade out of who we truly are.
How to Identify Toxic Shame in Daily Life
Take time to reflect on these areas. Be honest with yourself:
Self-Perception
Do you constantly criticize yourself?
Are you afraid of feedback or “messing up”?
Do you struggle to celebrate your wins?
Do you have trouble receiving love?
Relationships
Do you choose unhealthy or repetitive toxic dynamics?
Do you attract people who reinforce your shame-based identity?
Do you people-please, withdraw, or overcompensate in your connections?
Do you hide your authentic feelings and self?
Life Patterns
Do you strive for perfectionism, even to the point of burnout?
Do you fear failure so much that you avoid opportunities?
Do you struggle with addiction, procrastination, or isolation?
Healing Toxic Shame
Healing toxic shame takes courage and patience, but it’s possible. Here are some practical steps:
1. Bring Shame Into Awareness
Journal and track triggers and inner dialogue
Notice physical sensations when shame arises
Use mindfulness to identify spirals and disrupt them
2. Rewrite Core Beliefs
Identify the recurring narratives in your mind
Choose new, empowering beliefs instead
Slowly shift from “I’m not good enough” to:
“I can learn this. I can do this. I am enough.”
3. Regulate Your Nervous System
Practice intentional breathing
Use grounding techniques
Move your body; shake, stretch, release tension
Most importantly, allow the body to discharge shame. Feel it. Sit with it. Process it. Healing isn’t avoiding the emotion; it’s letting it flow through you. Somatic work is powerful here. If you need to shake, shake. If you need to scream, scream. Give yourself permission to feel it until you heal it.
You are worth it.
Final Thoughts
Healing takes time. It’s not linear. Shame isn’t talked about enough, but it’s at the heart of so much of the inner work we do.
I highly recommend:
Healing the Shame That Binds You by John Bradshaw
Heidi Priebe’s work on shame and attachment; her insights are incredible and deeply transformative.
Shame is not your enemy, and it’s not meant to be a lifestyle. Give yourself grace as you uncover the hidden parts of your soul. You are not broken. You are not flawed. And you are absolutely worth it.
With love and gratitude,
Michael Perry
Ad Lucem
Healing the Shame That Binds You
Heidi Priebe on Shame & Attachment
